


Grasping at the shadow

by megyal



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Community: kakairu_kink, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-17
Updated: 2011-07-17
Packaged: 2017-10-21 12:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/225208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iruka is in love. Kakashi isn't Kakashi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grasping at the shadow

**Author's Note:**

> beta: [](http://txilar.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://txilar.livejournal.com/)**txilar** | angst | Kinda AU...you'll see what I mean. Some ages are shifted up.  
>  Written for [this prompt](http://kakairu-kink.livejournal.com/704.html?thread=630976#t630976) over [](http://kakairu-kink.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://kakairu-kink.livejournal.com/)**kakairu_kink**.

  
Beware lest you lose the substance  
by grasping at the shadow.  
-Aesop

Iruka tried to hide the smile that bubbled up across his lips as he saw Kakashi walking with Itachi in his direction, but he found he couldn't help it. Last night had been absolutely astounding; he still couldn't _believe_ that Kakashi felt the same way that Iruka felt about him for so long. His heart was full, and running over this morning, and the whole world was bright; all that brightness was coming from the man ambling nonchalantly towards him.

He stopped, gripping the frayed strap of his bag and waited. Beside Kakashi, Itachi's cool gaze locked onto Iruka and considered him the way a cat might consider a bit of discarded fluff on the ground: _there_ , but not particularly interesting. Iruka had heard rumours that the reason he had left the Uchiha family compound, taking Sasuke with him, was because the heads of that clan had been plotting treason against the Hidden Village; apparently, Itachi was distancing himself from his own clan, displaying his loyalty to the Village at the same time. Iruka didn't know what to think about those rumours, but Itachi had been keeping close company with Kakashi during the past few months. It was hard not to see one and not see the other...except when Kakashi had been in Iruka's bed last night.

The secretive smile that resided in Iruka's chest threatened to burst out over his face once more. Iruka let it do what it wanted, and when Kakashi was but a few feet away, the jounin finally glanced at him, idly.

"Hello," Iruka said, and wanted to smack the flat of his palm against his forehead. He really hadn't meant to sound so sultry, his voice raspy and low. He cleared his throat.

Kakashi raised his exposed eyebrow. "Good day, Iruka-sensei," he answered with calm politeness. Iruka blinked and then bit his lip, realizing what was happening. Kakashi couldn't exactly be extra friendly to him in public; Konoha wasn't too keen on same-sex relationships and even less fond of ranks being crossed. If one of their best jounin was involved with a male chuunin-sensei, that was a two-for-one special on the No-No Menu.

Still, Iruka _had_ to talk to him. He wanted to see Kakashi again tonight, to slake his feverish desire for all that pale skin against his, Kakashi's tongue in his mouth; for his fingers to wrap around Kakashi's hot erection as he listened to the promises Kakashi murmured in his ear. They were _filthy_ promises, and Kakashi had fulfilled every last one.

Iruka reached out, almost against his will and touched the rolled-up cuff of Kakashi's sleeve. Kakashi stopped walking abruptly, as if he'd walked into a brick wall and looked down at Iruka's hand on his clothing for a long beat. Beside him, Itachi was looking at Iruka's hand too, and Iruka felt as if the entire village was gazing at the travesty of his hand actually _touching_ some part of the great Copy-nin. Iruka felt exasperation and embarrassment bubble inside him in equal measure; his fingers had been inside Kakashi last night, damn it, so Kakashi had better get used to this.

"I'd like to talk to you, please," he murmured and at that both Kakashi and Itachi's gazes snapped up to his face, almost identical expressions of bland disinterest.

"We're on our way to a meeting with the Hokage," Itachi informed him. "We shouldn't be delayed."

"You weren't exactly in a hurry," Iruka pointed out and something flashed in Itachi's gaze, like red lightning, before it was smothered again under the weight of impassivity. "It's only for a moment."

"All right," Kakashi said and Itachi gave him a narrow-eyed look. "It's only for a moment," Kakashi said, parroting Iruka's words and tone. The mimicry was eerily complete, but Iruka smiled, admiring his talent even at that minute recording of detail. Kakashi lifted his shoulders in a quick shrug. "Continue without me, Itachi. I'll be there soon."

"I'll wait for you." Itachi glanced at Iruka and there seemed to be something oddly distrustful in his expression.

"It's private," Iruka told him, almost snidely. Amazingly, two spots of colour appeared high up on Itachi's cheekbones. Kakashi turned to consider Itachi, and appeared vaguely amused at Itachi's display of emotion.

"Go on," Kakashi urged his companion, almost gently. He nudged Itachi in the side with the arm that had not been commandeered by Iruka. Only Kakashi could elbow Uchiha Itachi in the side like some recalcitrant horse and not only get away with it, but have Itachi obey his mild command, albeit reluctantly. Before turning away, Itachi considered Iruka from out of the corner of his eye, and then turned on his heel, walking with enviable lithe grace.

"He's very...protective of you," Iruka said, jealousy boiling in his gut. Kakashi hummed noncommittally. Itachi was on Kakashi's level, in terms of capabilities as a shinobi. If he was attracted to Kakashi, what would stop Kakashi from reciprocating?

 _Me_ , Iruka thought fiercely, recklessly. _I don't care if he's Kakashi's equal, so am I. And I've loved Kakashi for too long_. He tugged on Kakashi's sleeve, and led him into a darkened alley between two shops. When he turned around, Kakashi was standing a few feet away, his hands stuck in his pockets.

"Now, sensei," Kakashi said in a tone which indicated that he would only humour Iruka for so long, "what would you like to talk to me about? The private nature of your request indicates some urgency."

"Damn right it's urgent," Iruka growled and advanced on him. Kakashi frowned as Iruka ran greedy hands up his arms, feeling the corded strength of his muscles underneath the sturdy material of his shirt.

"What are you doing?" Kakashi asked, and Iruka laughed a little at his joking, closing his eyes and reaching for Kakashi's mask. Even in the gloom of his bedroom last night, he had seen Kakashi's face and could imagine it now behind his eyelids. He flinched as his wrists were caught in a crushing grip. Opening his eyes, he saw Kakashi actually turning his face away slightly, and his eyebrow was dipped down in a cold frown.

"I ask again, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said, and Iruka shivered at the shards of ice crackling in his tone. "What. Are. You. Doing."

Iruka swallowed. "I want to kiss you."

Kakashi's eyebrow and eye, so expressive to make up for the rest of his face, appeared thunderstruck. "What?"

Iruka twisted his hands in Kakashi's hold and stumbled back when he was abruptly released. He took in a few calming breaths to pace his racing heart, but it didn't seem to help. Kakashi slid his hands back into his pockets and contemplated Iruka with the air of a scientist looking over their failing experiment. _Was that all I was to him?_ Iruka thought, and his galloping heart was heading for a precipice filled with sharp glass. _What about last night?_

"What _about_ last night?" Kakashi asked. For a moment Iruka thought he'd used some form of mind-reading jutsu, until he realised he must have spoken aloud.

"Last night," Iruka answered and how he hated the wounded way his words emerged from his mouth, staggering out as if they were riddled with kunai. "You and I, we... we were together."

Kakashi shook his head. "Impossible. We were not _together_ last night."

"We were!" Iruka burst out, incredulous and enraged at Kakashi's blunt denial. Was he just going to stand there and negate everything that had happened between them? "We _fucked_ , Kakashi, if that's what you want to reduce it to, but it was more than that for me. And you _said_ \--"

Kakashi kept shaking his head, as implacable as a mountain. "Iruka-sensei. Whatever you thought you heard from me last night, it seems to be wishful thinking on your part." He stared right at Iruka's face as he said this cryptic shit, and Iruka imagined he saw traces of contempt in that gaze. _Why would I be with you, of all people?_

"Kakashi," he whispered. Kakashi turned his head, staring at the mouth of the alley before returning his scrutiny to Iruka. Iruka lifted his chin, hoping his pain and anger were writ as large across his face as they felt in his chest.

"I have to go meet the Hokage," Kakashi said and stepped away. "I trust you can sort yourself out now?" Iruka could only nod, a weak lie. "Good. I'm glad I could have helped you in any way, Sensei."

He walked away, and Iruka clenched his hands into fists.

+

Iruka lay face down in bed, his face buried in the soft pillow. Perhaps, if he fell asleep this way, he would stifle himself and not wake up in the morning to face Kakashi again. He had gone to work at school after Kakashi had spoken with him in the alley, and then took the late shift at the Mission desk, performing mostly on autopilot. It was a good thing his autopilot was fairly competent, for the students had not been any more disorderly than usual, and no-one seemed to notice Iruka's stunned state. Kakashi had come in near the very end of his session, accompanied by Itachi as usual. Iruka had averted his gaze, trying not to stare desperately in Kakashi's direction as he'd handed in his completed scroll to an attending shinobi about two seats down from Iruka's position.

It seemed Kakashi didn't look at him either. Iruka went home, took a bath and went straight to bed without eating. His thoughts were jumbled, mixing together the image of Kakashi smiling at him as they wrapped around each other last night, with the cool denial in Kakashi's attitude today. Iruka shook his head in his pillow; last night, he'd told Kakashi that he'd been attracted to him for such a long time.

Kakashi had said, "I feel the same about you, too." He'd _said that_ , clearly; it was certainly not a case of wishful thinking.

A shadow seemed to pass over the bare skin of his back; he imagined he could feel the interruption of the moonlight's rays through the glass of the window. He rolled over and landed on the floor in a crouch, whipping out his kunai from underneath the pillow.

Kakashi stood on his windowsill, hands in his pockets; he might have been standing out on the sidewalk in the middle of the day, such was his pose. Iruka stared at him, wide-eyed.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Are you going to let me in?" His voice was muffled as it came through the layers of glass and wood.

 _No_ , Iruka thought, but his body was a traitor, because he had already moved forward to undo the latch and stepped back to allow Kakashi space to enter. Kakashi landed lightly, making no sound on Iruka's wooden floor. He stepped towards Iruka, who brandished the kunai at him.

"Now, now," Kakashi said, fondly amused. "No need for that."

"I don't want to be with you if it's just sex you're looking for,"Iruka said. "I told you, last night." Iruka shook his head, while keeping his gaze locked with Kakashi's. "I've had enough of meaningless relationships. You know this means more to me. I--" He cut himself off, horrified that he had been about to admit that he loved Kakashi.

"Yes," Kakashi said, taking another step towards him, arms held out in a soothing fashion. "I know. I want to be with you, too."

"Then what the hell were you on about today?" Iruka burst out, and when Kakashi stepped once more, Iruka jabbed at his stomach. It was a well-aimed strike, but Kakashi twisted out of the way, and then he was upon Iruka. He knocked the weapon out of Iruka's grip and Iruka immediately initiated a furious combination of kicks and punches.

Kakashi was a long-range fighter, and tended to tire a bit more quickly when combating at close-range, which was Iruka's speciality. He grabbed Kakashi's arm and twisted him into a neckhold, managing to hold him there for a few seconds. Kakashi's fingers quickly twisted out seals, and Iruka found himself clutching a Kakashi-shaped mass of smoke, before he was seized from behind and drawn close to Kakashi's body: one of Kakashi's arms slung around his middle, and the other wrapped around his neck.

Kakashi moved his hips forward and pressed his erection against Iruka's bottom. Iruka fought hard not to press back. A losing battle, that.

"You're beautiful when you fight," Kakashi whispered in his ear. "It makes me hard just to watch you."

"Let me go," Iruka strangled out, feeling his own cock perk up in interest, pressing a damp head against the cotton of the old, loose trousers he wore to bed. "I'm not playing your games, Kakashi."

"This isn't a game." Kakashi licked the lobe of his ear and then pressed a kiss to the skin behind it. "You have to understand...you confuse me. I don't know how to be around you, so I try to be myself. I'm not very good when I'm myself."

"I can see that," Iruka said through clenched teeth. "When you're yourself, you're a real bastard."

Kakashi went still behind him and then slowly released him. Iruka whirled, ready to take him on again, but Kakashi just stood there, arms now held loosely at his sides; open, vulnerable. He wasn't even looking at Iruka, just staring into the corner of the room as if the shadows there held necessary secrets.

Iruka advanced on him, and yanked down his mask as soon as he was close enough. Kakashi still didn't look at him and Iruka kissed him, more of a punishing bite than any adoring movement of lips. Kakashi made a needy noise, and his tongue battled with Iruka's, drawing out small, sharp moans from them both.

Iruka backed him against the nearest wall, pulled off his flak-jacket and tossed it away. He could barely break the kiss to pull the long-sleeved shirt over Kakashi's head, but he managed to do it quickly, going back to plunder Kakashi's mouth. He reached down between them, undid the fastenings of Kakashi's trousers and pushed his hand in unceremoniously to grip Kakashi's hard cock.

Kakashi's short nails dug into the skin of Iruka's shoulders as Iruka's hand moved quickly over his prick. He panted, clutched Iruka closer with one arm and used his free hand to trail down Iruka's back, squeeze one cheek of his buttocks and then around to yank down the front of Iruka's sleep-pants and pull out his own cock. Iruka slapped his hand away, and then caught up both of their lengths in one hand, rubbing them against each other. Kakashi groaned, bucking his hips forward in tandem with the movement of Iruka's hand, his head thrown back to rest against the wall. Pre-come leaked from both slits and Iruka leaned forward to bite the line of Kakashi's neck, _hard_.

At that, Kakashi came, pulsing hot stripes of come over Iruka's lower belly, over his hand, oozing down between his fingers. The feeling of Kakashi's penis throbbing against his made Iruka tighten his grip and shudder, crying out hoarsely as his orgasm seized him and thrashed him about ruthlessly. His cries were stifled by Kakashi's mouth covering his and he released their softening cocks to put his arms around Kakashi, smearing sticky come across the other man's back. He felt light-headed, and knelt so that he wouldn't tumble to the floor in a faint; Kakashi followed him down, unwilling to release his mouth from their kiss.

They knelt together, touching each other's backs, shoulders and chest with worshipful fingers. Iruka sat on the floor, taking the pressure off his knees and Kakashi crawled into his lap, licking Iruka's lips, gently kissing his eyelids, nibbling at the skin pulled taut over his collarbone.

It was like a dream. The best dream Iruka had ever had.

"Who are you?" Iruka asked and Kakashi pulled back, his eyebrows pulled towards each other in the beginnings of a frown. His Sharingan gleamed like a ruby underneath his closed eyelid.

"I am---"

"You're not Kakashi," Iruka said, not unkindly. "You're very good. Excellent, in fact. Thank you for giving him to me like this. But....if you care for me like you say, then you'll tell me who you are."

Kakashi said nothing. He simply regarded Iruka without expression.

Iruka sighed. "And I doubt you're an assassin. I'm not important enough to be a target, and if you _were_ some kind of enemy, you could have killed me by now. You wouldn't have kissed me back. So, who are you?"

"You're important enough," Kakashi finally said, and shifted in his lap; he briefly closed the open eye. When he opened both eyes, they each glowed Sharingan red. Iruka pushed him off, scrambling to get to his feet. Kakashi rose as well, and as he did, he changed. His hair rippled from grey to black, falling to his shoulders in a smooth waterfall; the shape of his face rounded out a little, and faint creases of skin appeared underneath his eyes.

By the time they stood facing each other, Iruka was glaring at a half-dressed and taciturn Itachi.

"Well," he said, glad to hear that his voice wasn't shaking. "I hope that you and Kakashi have had a nice laugh at my expense."

Itachi shook his head. "This wasn't a game. I've told you that. He doesn't know about this."

"I've done nothing to you," Iruka mused out loud, talking more to himself than Itachi. "Why would you..? Unless you've done it to keep me away from Kakashi," he accused, shaking his head.

Itachi smiled at him. It was the first time Iruka had ever seen him smile, and it didn't appear as if Itachi had much practice in that category. "That's a very complicated version of events. Not quite the right one, though." He tilted his head, raising his eyebrows. "You don't remember, do you?"

Iruka ran a hand through his unbound hair, releasing a great sigh. He felt exhausted, mentally and physically. "Maybe you should enlighten me."

"You were drunk in a bar, some weeks ago." Itachi was watching him intently. "You were in a booth next to the one Kakashi and I sat in."

Iruka wrinkled his brow, trying to remember. Yes, he had been in the Serrate a few weeks back, drinking himself into an even more maudlin state. Not his normal modus operandi, but he had been feeling a little tired from angsting over Kakashi, and was trying to drown his internal drama; just as his bad luck would have it, the object of his unrequited affections had walked in, Itachi in tow. They sat in the booth right next to his, talking and laughing companionable murmurs.

"Kakashi got up to order at the counter," Itachi continued, quietly. "And I heard you say his name."

"You....heard that?" Iruka stared at him, amazed. "I barely whispered it."

That frightening smile touched the edge of Itachi's lips again. Iruka wondered if he should be more afraid, but he felt protected by the fact that he still had traces of Itachi's come on his hand. "Yes, you were quiet. But I heard you. You said his name as if it was the only name you'd ever need to hear." Itachi's expression took on a slightly haunted quality, but he set his jaw and said: "I've always....admired you."

"Me?!" Iruka actually squeaked out. "You're joking."

Itachi, who probably wouldn't know a joke unless it came up and threw a _katon_ at him, shook his head grimly. "No. Sasuke likes you, and talks of you at home. You are interesting, for a chuunin."

"Thanks," Iruka said, recovering enough from his previous shock to infuse dryness in his tone. "I get that a lot, particularly from overtalented jounin."

Itachi took a step forward. "I have little chance with you as myself. Yes," he continued over Iruka's weak attempts to disagree, "That's how it is. But as Kakashi, at least there _is_ a chance."

Iruka lowered his head, and barely restrained himself from covering his face with both hands. "You shouldn't discredit yourself like that." He inhaled and then breathed out heavily. "So, Kakashi doesn't...I don't know. He doesn't feel anything for me, then. I mean, have you ever heard him say--"

Itachi's cool fingers were at his chin and he tipped up Iruka's face so that their gazes lashed together. "Kakashi doesn't know what it is to love," he murmured and twin fires burned in the depths of his eyes. "It doesn't mean anything to him. He is simply a machine in service to his village."

"We all are," Iruka whispered. His throat felt as if it was full of nettles.

"True. But I know a little about love. I love my brother. I love--" he broke off and shook his head slightly as if avoiding the touch of cobwebs to his face. "I could be the Kakashi who loves you. You want that, Iruka."

It wasn't a question.

"Genjutsu aren't really the path to fulfilment," Iruka said, voice strained. "How long could you have continued lying to me?"

Itachi's eyes flared so brightly that Iruka had to snap his shut, and yet he could still see the bright red glow behind his clenched eyelids. The brilliant shine soon faded, and when Iruka squinted his eyes open, Kakashi stood there, smiling at him with devastating desire.

"I could lie as long as you want," Itachi said with Kakashi's voice. "Uchiha are good at that. I could do this for you."

He leaned closer, his breath warm against Iruka's mouth. Helpless, Iruka parted his lips.

"This isn't fair to _you_ , though," Iruka whispered and then moaned as Kakashi's mouth brushed his as he spoke.

"Nothing in life is fair," Kakashi said before he kissed Iruka mindless once more. "But you take what you can get."

+

Outside Iruka's window, a tall jounin leaned against the trunk of the massive tree which grew almost all the way to the top of the narrow apartment-building. He had a complex jutsu activated, which picked up the sound of every low groan inside Iruka's apartment, and the slick slap of skin against skin.

He didn't realize it, but underneath his mask, the corners of his lips were pulled down in a frown.

_fin_

**Author's Note:**

> **AN:** OH GOSH ANGST. Anyway, I have a deep and long-running streak of love for Iruka/Itachi; I thought you should know that.   
> 


End file.
